Girlfriends Deciphered by Dungeons & Dragons

 So you're looking for a girlfriend--or perhaps, congratulations, you've found a girlfriend! Whether it's your first, your first after a long time, or the next one in a string of women whose hearts you've broken (ha, right), you're seeking some guidance.

Well, while I haven't had relationships with women, I am a woman myself, and I've played Agony Aunt to countless male friends during the advents, durations, and demises of their relationships with women.  Perhaps more importantly, I am a gamer, and I thought it might be helpful to write a manual for those of you who are bewildered by the fairer sex.  This guide will help you differentiate between women you should grip tighter than your +1 Vorpal Blade of Rat-killing (that sounds so dirty) and women you should run away from as if they were a grue! ...and of course, points between.

So without further ado, here's Katrushka's

Guide to Girlfriend Alignment



Part I.  The "Goods"

Everyone wants a "good" girlfriend, right?  Well, except for me.  I don't want a girlfriend; a boyfriend is trouble enough.  Plus he'd get jealous or try to take video or something, and that's just a lot of hassle.

Lawful Good:  This is the stereotypical, proverbial "lady" of the bunch.  Doors should be opened for her.  Puddles should be jacketed for her.  Flowers open at her passing.  Unicorns will suffer her approach.  She will not phone a boy unless he phones her first.  She will play by every single 1950's rule of womanhood.  And she's a "Crusader," meaning that if she's devoutly religious, you're going to have to go to church (or synagogue, or hippie midnight tree-worshipping or whatever it is she does).  You can take the Lawful Good home to meet Mama without worry--but if possible, get Mama to adopt her, because you're not going to get any from her anyway.  What's even more infuriating about Lawful Goods is that they often loosen up to Neutral Good, Lawful Neutral, or Chaotic Good and give it up to the first boyfriend after you.

Neutral Good:  These girls are very, very sweet, and a lot less uptight than Lawful Good.  The only real downside to this girlfriend is that she's not always sure of who she is.  Is her favorite color pink or black?  Does she like pop or punk rock?  Is she "one of the boys" or a "pretty pretty princess"?  The truth is, she's all of these things, which makes her a candidate for Multiple Personality Disorder, or, more usually, hard to predict--but she always does have your best interests at heart, even if she is driving you batshit.  You may not know all her rules, but neither does she...you'll muddle through it somehow, somewhat happily.

Chaotic Good:  Rules?  What rules?!  This is the girl who gets your cell number first, who asks you out first, who pays for the first date, ad infinitum.  She is, in other words, pretty fearless, and not down with your outdated rules about chivalry or whatever.  She would probably joust in your honor, and not the other way around.  Her disadvantage?  She'll knock you out if you try to open a door for her.  And she can probably beat you at arm-wrestling, you pasty wimp.  But still, if you like adventure and have a hard time pulling out chairs, this girl is worth it.

Part II.  The "Bads"...just kidding, The "Neutrals"

As the name implies, "Neutral" girlfriends are not as amazing (overall) as "Good" girlfriends (except for that Lawful Good prude), but they are on the whole not as bad as "Evil" girlfriends (with the possible exception of Chaotic Neutral, see below).  We women are people too--as strange as that sounds--and thus not perfect--as strange as that sounds too--which is why such a high proportion of us either fall into these categories or spend a lot of time here, whatever our main alignment may be. 

Lawful Neutral:  There are, of course, societal rules about relationships, and how men and women are supposed to behave, and this girl follows every one of them...at least in public.  She may run around the house in her rattiest sweater and jeans, but if you're going out, she's going to dress up (to impress her girl friends and your male friends).  If you drink way too much at a party, keeping in mind that "way too much" is at her discretion, she won't embarrass you in front of your friends, but she will go DEFCON 1 on you at home afterward.  And yes, she's selfish just as much as she's unselfish, meaning that you're going to have to do a lot of compromising--but once she makes the agreement, she will pretty much stick to it.  She'll make a pretty good girlfriend, or even a wife, but prepared to do some work to keep this princess with you.

True Neutral:  If we surveyed everyone's morals ever, we would find that pretty much everyone has, at some point or another, embodied this alignment.  Yes, I do mean everyone, even Mother Teresa and Hitler.  It's really to be expected, since most of us just aren't Lawful Good or Chaotic Evil in our everyday life--though notice how in every D&D party half the people are Lawful Good because they want to be paladins on fancy horsies, and the other half are Chaotic Evil pretending to be something else so they can ruin the paladins' fun, and that one guy chooses True Neutral so he can side with whatever faction he thinks is the most fun at any given time.  That's how the girlfriend situation works out with a True Neutral.  She is not predictable.  She is of all alignments and none.  She can do as she pleases.  She stands outside of time and space, like Wonder Woman, or more accurately Wonder Woman's emotional little sister who blames you for things like her cat throwing up or her car not starting, then bakes your favorite cookies as an apology.  I mean, it kind of makes sense, in some near-parallel universe, but WTF?  At least you know you'll be happy about 50% of the time, which is more than most people in relationships can say.

Chaotic Neutral:  The laziest girlfriend on the planet...if you can even legitimately call her a girlfriend.  She will put the least amount of effort possible into the relationship, telling you that she's "like the wind" and other Patrick Swayze songs.  Your birthday?  She got high and forgot.  Christmas?  Payday's not 'til December 31st, she'll catch you up then (she never does).  This girlfriend is also the most likely to cheat.  Look, it's not that she means to hurt you--she probably does actually care about you, but it's so difficult to remember to break up with a guy before sleeping with the next one (or the next ten).  Or, you know, not to sleep with him/them.  Who knows.

Part III.  The "Uglies"...actually, that's pretty synonymous with "Evils"

The problem of "Evils"--no, not the philosophic Problem of Evil, but the problem with Evil-alignment girlfriends that gets you into major difficulties, is that most of the time they don't act like Evils at first.  A few of them show their true colors in the first couple of months, allowing you to escape quickly (unless you're lonely or desperate, in which case you hang on for dear life anyway, and given the fact that you're reading a D&D guide to women, well...)  Most of the time, though, the Evil only comes out for good once you're pretty well hooked, like six months or so into a relationship, or she gets pregnant (Evil spawn!) or she cons you into buying something sparkly and contractually-binding.  At least by reading this guide you'll know which variety of harpy you're stuck with and for how long (an 18-year obligation?  a lifetime so you don't die alone?).

Lawful Evil: This is the sneakiest Evil alignment.  This woman is a cop, a lawyer, judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one hellbeast, and anything you say or do can and will be used against you in the Court of Getting Her Own Way.  It is a kangaroo court.  You cannot win.  She usually has a cadre of Lawful Evil friends who she calls every time you screw up (i.e. every day ending in "Y").  Her one good point--and it's such a small one you may need a microscope to view it--she will brag incessantly to the same friends on the rare occasions you do something right.  Expect this to happen once a year, like Christmas (considering that, like Christmas, it's the only time she shows "goodwill to men," it's scarily apt).  If this girlfriend asks you, "Does this dress make my ass look fat?,"  LIE.  LIE LIKE A RUG.

Neutral Evil:  Like Lawful Evil above, Neutral Evil usually has a handful of friends of her own alignment and similarly she will kvetch to them about Every.  Wrong.  Thing.  You.  Do.   But this woman, while not as insane as Chaotic Evil (see below), brings her own special brand of WTF to any relationship.  She'll probably con you into washing her car every two weeks, or learning to knit sweaters for her annoying yippy rat-dog, or god forbid, joint yoga classes.  And you will go along with it!  At first it's because she's so cute when she smiles, and then it's because it's your only hope for sex, and then it's because your balls have retreated back into your body, because really, you don't have a need for them anymore.

Chaotic Evil:  This describes, to hear men tell it, 90-100% of their ex-girlfriends, at least after the fact.  The real number is somewhat lower, but the dangers of the Chaotic Evil girlfriend are real.  This bitch is insane.  Rules of compromise, of general relationship behavior, even of overall human decency, mean nothing at all to her.  If you irritate this girlfriend in the slightest, she will burn down your house.  If you don't tell her how much you like her new haircut, she will leave a horse's head in your bed.  An argument over the TV remote is going to end with the smoking wreckage of the TV in your front yard and an amusing 911 call made by your stoner neighbor.  And once you do actually break it off with her (assuming it's not at your closed-casket funeral because she murdered you with a Skil saw), she will stalk you, your mother, your new girlfriend, and that Girl Scout you just bought cookies from.  As the noted Roman philosopher Cicero once said--Operor non loco vestri penis in rabidus--or, "don't stick your dick in the crazy" [citation needed].


I hope that this guide helps you in your quest to find a princess--or to keep the one you have already won.  (Or alternatively, to realize that the princess you found is actually an evil sorceress in disguise!  Run!  RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!)

This post is a work of humor, and not a misogynist screed.  I like women quite a lot.