Boyfriends Deciphered by Dungeons & Dragons

As requested, I made a sequel.  Oh, what fun!

So you're looking for a boyfriend.  Or, congratulations, you found a boyfriend!  (That wasn't so hard now, was it?)  And whether you met him in church, in a bar, or at a sci-fi con (I personally recommend the last one--I mean, how often do you get the chance to date Wolverine?) you may need a little bit of guidance.  And if you, like me, are into gaming and other indicators of geekdom, maybe a manual would help.  Here's where I come in:  I've had several boyfriends, and countless dates, I've even been married (though unsuccessfully)--but I guarantee you I can classify the male gender for you through this handy-dandy guide of D&D alignment.

Katrushka's

Male Alignment Manual




Part I:  The "Goods" -- Husband Material, or a Fun Fling?

The "Good" in the "Goods" category does not mean they actually would make good boyfriends for just anyone.  The "Good" really only means that they aren't maliciously harmful, which is definitely a plus.  However, they're only "harmless" in the sense that they do go out of their way to avoid breaking your heart--but they may be hazardous to your health. 

Lawful Good:  The proverbial Prince Charming on the white horse, Lawful Good is always to your rescue, whether you need it or not.  He's the kind of man every mother wishes their daughter would marry, unless your mother happens to be Gloria Steinem.  The Lawful Good either tends to one of two subcategories:  the Choirboy, or the Gay Choirboy.  Simply put, the Lawful Good is a generally innocent, well-meaning man who believes you are the flower of womanhood (even if you are one mere step above crack-whoredom) and expects you to act like it.  If you can somehow tempt him into sex (good luck with that, you Jezebel), he is the Most.  Boring.  Lover.  Ever.  He kisses you like you're his sister (and not like a sister in the Deep South).  He would not be able to find your G-spot with a GPS (G-spot Positioning System?)  And if he happens to be the Gay Choirboy...well, do him a favor when he comes out and be supportive.  His heart was in the right place, even if his hormones weren't.

Neutral Good:  If you are looking for a stable, committed relationship with a man who will rarely make you crazy, this may be your best bet.  The Neutral Good will treat you as an equal.  He won't insist that you follow ridiculous gender roles, and he'll actually listen to your needs.  His only downsides are that he can be incredibly boring (which is a blessing to some of us), and that he changes his mind so often you will think he is a 12-year-old girl.  The band he liked last week?  Sell outs.  Last NFL season he was rooting for the Colts, so you give him season tickets for a gift this year and he explains to you that he is now a diehard Patriots fan.  If you can keep abreast of what he's doing, it's awesome.  Otherwise, consign yourself to buying him gift cards.

Chaotic Good:  Not for the faint of heart or the terminally humorless.  This is like dating a cast member of Jackass.  Whether he's convincing you to glue yourselves (literally) together as an expression of love, or to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel or whatever Darwin Award-level caper he's planning, you will never be bored.  Except for the times when he's off with his friends seeing what happens if they stick firecrackers in their taints and light them (answer: a cheap vasectomy).  And that's the problem with this guy--he loves you, but he's wild, unpredictable, and drives up health insurance premiums.  However, if you're the kind of girl who owns a copy of The Anarchist's Cookbook and likes to build catapults in her backyard, this guy's for you.  Your neighbors hope you never procreate.

Part II:  The Neutrals -- "Nice Guys" and Douchebags

Neutrals, on the whole, are the annoying-as-hell boyfriends that every girl has a story about.  They weren't crazed psychotics (see the "Evils") but they just weren't the Right One.  And they were annoying--did we mention that?  Neutrals are generally the highest percentage of any given single group of men, due to a variety of reasons explained below.

Lawful Neutral:  Lawful Neutrals are the "Everyman" of men.  They're not necessarily good or bad boyfriend material, they're just normal guys.  If boyfriends were songs, they'd be Adult Contemporary.  Everyone knows one.  Everyone has dated one, even you goth girls, though you won't cop to it.  Expect a pretty standard relationship, fraught with all the stereotypical misunderstandings that TV likes to portray in heterosexual relationships.  He won't understand why you want to know what's on his mind (Hint:  It's beer, sex, sports, sex, food, sex, or nothing.)  You won't understand why he can't remember to put his dirty socks in the hamper (Hint: Socks don't fit well into the hierarchy of beer, sex, sports, sex, food, sex, or nothing.)

True Neutral:  Over the past decade or so, there have been many, many articles written about the so-called "Nice Guys."  Not nice guys like Lawful Good, but "Nice Guys," the perpetually-single, passive-aggressive chameleons that infect every local dating scene, including the Amish ones.  This guy has no clue who he is or what he's into, but if you're attractive enough, he will let you tell him.  You're into Of Montreal?  He has everything they ever recorded!  You watch the NBA?  He played basketball in high school (though he neglects to tell you that it was in gym class, and he spent most games being elbowed out of the way by people who actually knew what the hell was going on).  He will pursue you with all the panache of a heat-seeking missile, and if he wins you, it will be just like dating Marvin the Paranoid Android.  He will insist that he just wants to be loved.  (And he does.  By your vaginal walls.)  If jilted, he can turn into Neutral or Chaotic Evil (see below).

Chaotic Neutral:  The "Easy Rider."  This guy is usually sporting dreads, a mohawk, or that hipster haircut that looks like he styled his hair with a woodchipper.  (In the 90's, he had frosted tips and a tattoo in Chinese he claimed meant "impermanence" but actually meant "duck soup.")  If you like the love'em and leave'em types, this bud's for you.  For a couple of months you'll ride on the back of his Suzuki (or Vespa or fixed-gear bike or maybe even his tandem bike, for fuck's sake) and listen to his brain-hemorrhage-inducing garage band (who is going to make it big--as soon as they stop doing things forbidden by the Geneva Convention to their instruments).  But after these couple of months, he will stop answering your calls and texts and will suddenly show up at the drum circle or the poetry reading or the mosh pit with some violet-haired whore who used to play keyboards for his band but has since learned to play flute for him, if you catch my drift.  Don't worry, honey, he's just not ready for commitment.  Plus, he reeks to high heaven of patchouli/body odor/the sweet, greasy smell of pretentiousness/all three.

Part III.  The "Evils" -- What the Hell Are You Doing with Him?

Lawful Evil:  This man seems to have it all--he's reasonably good-looking or even ridiculously handsome, he dresses well, he has an impressive or fascinating job, and he can quote both Shakespeare and Stephen Hawking--but most of all, he has the ability to play the system like a cheap fiddle.  And he's doing it while Rome burns.  You will never see him commit a crime, or even violate an ethics code, but by God, he will crush everyone beneath the heels of his expensive, Italian leather wingtips.  You will appreciate the trips to Europe, the pricey champagne, and the designer jewelry--until you realize that there are conditions: look pretty, put out, and shut up.  If you'd like to be a lonely trophy wife, marry him, but be sure you're okay with him having mistresses in every city with a major airport/major seaport/name that contains a letter.  You are just another rung in his ladder to success.  Remember that.

Neutral Evil:  The stalker.  True Neutrals often devolve into this during or after a relationship.  This man does not trust you.  This man will never trust you, and if you've already broken up with him, he won't trust that you meant it.  He searches your surfing history to see what websites you check out.  He goes through your garbage to read your mail.  He is probably sitting outside your house right now with night-vision binoculars, thinking he's the Rambo of Romance.  The greatest Christmas gift you could give him would be a pair of your used underwear and copies of your most recent full-body X-ray.  The only way to lessen his ardor or get rid of him is to get a restraining order (it might work), kill him (definitely works) or hook him up with a girl just like him so they can live the plot of Mr. & Mrs. Smith for all eternity (the most entertaining option).

Chaotic Evil:  This man comes in two different flavors--Chaotic Evil Epic Fail (CEEF) and Chaotic Evil Scary Win (CESW).  If you're seeing CEEF, congratulations, you're shagging Dick Dastardly.  This guy has so many incomprehensible schemes to rule the world that his plans look like the game Monopoly as conceived by the Joker and some random wino.  He is a Wile E. Coyote, forever chasing a Roadrunner he will not catch, though he will also fall off cliffs and blow himself up in the process (figuratively, usually).  He lives with his parents.  On the other hand, if you are dating CESW--I'm either terrified for you or of you.  You're the lover of Keyser Soze.  You are in some kind of Lovecraftian relationship I can't fathom.  You probably make love to American Psycho.  I'm just at a loss...does he hide his tentacles and mandibles so he can pass as human, or does he just control our minds to make us think he does?  Inquiring minds want to know.  I'll even sign a waiver in case your dark revelations send me spiraling into madness.

Well, that's it.  I hope this helps.  And if you're wondering, my boyfriends have been mostly Neutral Good and Lawful Neutral.  My ex-husband was a cross between Chaotic Neutral and Chaotic Evil Epic Fail.  And my current boyfriend is a god incarnate.*

*He paid me to say that.

This is a work of humor.  I like men, most of the time.