Phobias

I like to talk about things that scare me, because there's a lot of fodder for entertainment there.  A lot of the things that scare me are absolutely ridiculous.  A few weeks ago, I was talking to my mother and sister (The Wonder Kid), and we were talking about the fact that I spent several years sharing a room with The Wonder Kid due to her terror of the dark.  On the other hand, I was "absolutely fearless" as a young child, according to my mother.  Actually, that's true--I wasn't afraid of bugs, or of the dark.  It's not that I didn't think there were monsters under my bed, it's just that I was convinced I was magical and could defeat any challenger.  If Hogwarts were real, I would've been a prime candidate back then.  (I was also convinced when I grew up, we would have unicorns, and I could become a unicorn breeder.  I have never taken LSD in my life because I have never needed it.)

Anyway, as I have grown older I have developed a few startlingly virulent phobias, whether through bad experiences, culture, or OMG WTF IS THAT THING.  However, I am working on some of my fears (sort of, mostly in counter-productive ways).



1. Arachnaphobia (Fear of spiders).  Okay, look, I just don't like them.  I don't care about their place in the ecosystem, they suck.  Most species bite, a few are horribly poisonous, they like dark places where I can't see them and then I find them on me and oh god let's not think about that.  Plus they MOVE WRONG.  Nothing pure and innocent MOVES like that.  Also, one of them tried to kill the Ringbearer.
Methods to Conquer It: NONE.  Spiders are Satan's seamstresses.  However, I do avoid killing them because they do tend to eat other insects that annoy me.  I figure the enemy of my enemy is still my enemy, but it's a useful enemy, so it can live.  (Unless it climbs on me.  That violates the treaty.)  However, I'm sure if I ever kill a spider unprovoked, I will wake up one morning encased in sticky, silk netting, while a hundred eyes the size of dinner plates regard me with cruel amusement.
Addendum:  Do not even talk to me about Charlotte's Web.  Charlotte just wanted Wilbur to live as a possible food source if flies stopped coming in the barn.  Also, it's FICTION, which means they're LYING.  (The Lord of the Rings, on the other hand, is real-life history.)

2.   Blattodephobia (Fear of cockroaches).  Cockroaches are GROSS.  And here in Alabama, we have what we call "palmetto bugs," which we really should call "flying bugspawn from Hell," because they are KAMIKAZE COCKROACHES (which would be a pretty good name for a punk band).  They fly, and they're huge.  They could make a Godzilla movie and cast a palmetto bug as Godzilla's enemy, and everyone in the South would go watch it even if we have to use subtitles, because there's nothing like seeing something you hate get the shit beat out of it by Godzilla.  (Plus, that villain would make a lot more sense than a lot of Godzilla's villains.)
Methods to Conquer It:  Please make this Godzilla movie.  It would go a long way.
Addendum:  If it's true that cockroaches will survive nuclear fallout, I have to give them props.  I haven't learned how to survive nuclear fallout yet.

3.  Pentheraphobia (Fear of your own mother).  Freud would have a field day with so much of my childhood.  It's the kind of thing that William Faulkner wrote about.
Methods to Conquer It:  Therapy.  Alcohol.  Same thing, really.
Addendum:  She's really a great woman.  These days.

4. Coucorologophobia (Fear of cuckoo clocks).  This one is a little outdated, though they do still unnerve me.  My grandparents had a cuckoo clock when I was growing up and THAT THING SCARED THE LIVING BEJEEZUS OUT OF ME.  I don't even understand why they're popular.  Once an hour, they make a horrible noise, and a demon bird comes out.  And LOOK AT THIS:

There is a FURRY SCROTUM at the bottom of that.  Also, that deer is totally judging you and your total lack of style when it comes to home furnishings.
Methods to Conquer It:  Don't befriend anyone who just came out of stasis from the 70's and/or doesn't know how to decorate their home without the influence of the pernicious Swiss.  I mean seriously, what the hell IS that.

What about the rest of you?