Pirates vs. Ninjas

Some subjects are the topic of epics. Like ripping off a monster's arm and then beating up his mum when she comes to complain, like Beowulf. Or going to find some horn or something and getting beaten up by a Sea Witch, like the Finnish Kalevala. These days, the vernacular mythology, at least in the West, seems to revolve around Internet memes. Somebody set us up the bomb. Over 9000?! Basement Cat. All of those.

And then there's Pirates vs. Ninjas. I'm sure the subject has been done to death, but I always like to give a dead horse a good kicking, so here is my epic poem about.......drumroll please................Pirates. Vs. Ninjas.


All the pirates in the world
Had beef with all the ninjas
The pirates called them all kung-fools
And the ninjas called them bingers.

Now ninjas fought upon the land
And pirates on the water
So their battlefield was a compromise
That they called the Swamp of Slaughter.

The Pirate King was Blackbeard Jack
He had no arms or legs
His limbs were jack-hammers (hence the name)
For he scorned wooden pegs.

The Ninja Lord was Kurasawer
Who was completely blind
He'd replaced his eyes with laser beams
And controlled them with his mind.

So the ninjas came to the swamp
And the pirates came as well
Both their numbers were reduced
In memetic martial hell.

Blackbeard et al. cut through the ranks
With hammers and with cutlasses
Kurasawer and the ninjas countered
With lasers and lightning reflexes.

The battle raged for 60 days
Through blizzards, hail, and rain
When all was over, said and done
Only two remained.

Blackbeard Jack and Lord Kurasawer
Met on the field awash in blind
The Lord's laser eyes were on the blink
And Jack's hammers caked with mud.

They laughed and cried there that day
Over 1 billion trillion cold dead men
And swore on both their mothers' graves
They'd never fight again.

They stayed for hours, talking truce
Until strange noises made them hark--
Roars and groans announced the arrival
Of the zombie-robot-Balrog-sharks.