The Octogenarian Project

So I have a friend that I will call Disclaimer Man, because he is the King of Disclaimers.  I have no doubt that when he gets married, he will be asked "Do you take this woman," etc. etc. and he will say "I do...but."

Seriously.  It will happen.

Anyway, this wonderful friend of mine issued me a mock challenge that I took seriously: to use the word octogenarian in my work.  He's getting his wish, and I enjoyed writing this beyond my ability to explain.  I mean, I didn't follow most of my normal creative process, I just wrote and laughed.

THIS IS THE BEST LOVE POEM-SONG-THING IN THE WORLD.  And it's allll for you, Disclaimer Man.

I love you like the NRA loves the Second Amendment
I love you like a dentist loves teeth
Your every wish is my commandment
As long as I'm living, your sword has a sheath.


No restrictions or limits--it's love libertarian
And I will still love you when we're octogenarians.


I love you like new mothers love naps
I love you like Kermit loves pork
I'm looking forward to popping my cap
You be the corkscrew, and I'll be the cork.


We go together like Conan and barbarian
And I will still love you when we're octogenarians.


I love you like magicians love prestidigitation
Like banks love overdraft fees
What I want from you needs no explanation
It's pretty straightforward--tab A, slot B.


I love you like Robin Hood loved Maid Marian
I love you like vultures love carrion
Like submissives love a disciplinarian
Like Karl Marx loved the proletarian
And I'll still love you when we're octogenarians.


I mean, amazing.  I don't think I can ever top that.