The Epic Tale of Beeowolf--Part I.

Once upon a time, there was a great hero named Beeowolf. He was half-wolf (front) and half-bee (back).

He enjoyed candlelit dinners, puppies, and long walks on the beach while dismembering his enemies. He was the hero of the Goats.

Beeowolf heard that King Coughdrop of the Danas (in Denmark) was having some trouble, i.e. that someone kept making his warriors into jigsaw puzzles. Beeowolf said, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark," and went to help.

When Beeowolf finally got to the court of the Danas, King Coughdrop took a liking to him right away. The king introduced his queen, whose name was Hrwhghrgheanlthwsowdfdth. (She was from someplace where they do horrible things to the alphabet, like Russia or Mississippi.)

Then King Coughdrop said, "Beeowolf, I have heard you are hungry like the wolf and sting like a bee. Please help us." But then, Lord Obvious Foil (real name: Uncle or Unfair or Grima Wormtongue or something) popped up and started to cast doubts on Beeowolf's heroism, lineage, and fashion sense.

Obvious Foil is obvious. Then Beeowolf said, "I heard you killed your brothers and didn't even pay yourself afterward." That was a big put-down because in those days, if you killed someone, you had to pay a fine. It's like being a Kennedy.

Beeowolf agreed to stay in the drinking hall that night in order to either defeat the murderer or at least shake him down for some serious weregild. He didn't have long to wait. Before long, a huge, monstrous figure sneaked in. Beeowolf attacked.

"I wish to register a noise complaint!" the monster squealed as he clawed at Beeowolf. "I have the forms right here!"

"Who says we're noisy?" Beeowolf snarled.

"Me! And my mother!" shouted the monster. Beeowolf just laughed, and then ripped off the monster's arm. The monster fled.

Beeowolf was considered a hero and the Danas thought they were safe, but the next night someone came and tore apart some more warriors in the drinking-hall. They knew it wasn't the original monster because it's hard to tear things one-handed (which led to the little-known Zen koan "What is the sound of one hand ripping?"). Beeowolf was eager to punish this new murderer, and so he tracked it back to a lake. Because he was so superhuman that he didn't need piddly things like oxygen, he dove into the lake and went straight to the bottom, where he saw the dead body of the first monster. Standing over the dead body was a monster-lady, and he knew it must be the mother.

The monster-lady said, "You killed my snuggly-wuggly Grendel-schnookums. You killed my son."

Beeowolf said, "He was an asshole who didn't even pay to kill people. This isn't Grand Theft Denmark."

Then they fought, and Beeowolf cut off her head, and then cut off Grendel's head because he had a decapitation fetish, and then he went back to King Coughdrop's court and they threw him a party and got him lots of presents.

THE END.

New stuff coming up soon, maybe even next weekend.

I'm working on a version of Snow White that's about half-done (though it still needs pictures) AND I have on the drawing board a re-telling of the legend of Robin of Sherwood Forest (so far entitled Robbin' HOOD).

It occurs to me that I may have misnamed my blog. But it was such a nice name, and I was doing more music last year.

Also, sometime before Halloween there should be an "audio book" version of King Owther, as read by my dear friend J.C. Smith-Hamner, who I desperately want to call "Jesus Christ Hammersmith." Maybe he'll let me. Also, Remy the Collaborator will be writing the backing music for it. It will be full of awesome and win and I may even have to make a video for Youtube, if I ever figure out how to do that.

King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table. (Contains pictures.)

Once upon a time, there was a king named Oother Paindragon. He was not a nice king, but nice kings don't tend to stay kings long. By way of magical convolutions and dastardly plots, he had the Duke of Cornhole killed and seduced the Duchess of Cornhole, whose name was Migraine.

Migraine gave birth to a son, Owther, but he had to be taken away and hidden because something about all this was shameful or something. He was raised by a man named Sir Icktor. Owther thought Icktor was his father for a long time, until Owther pulled a dwarf from a prawn and became eng of all Kingland.

King Owther married a princess named Gotnoears, who had lost her aural organs in a freak gardening accident. She was one of the most beautiful women in the land, despite being deaf as a post.

After Owther got married, he decided he'd rather spend more time with men instead, so he formed an order called Knights of the Brown Table. They sat at a...brown...table. They also went on many adventures.

One of the most famous knights was Sir Godwin, famed for his ability to link anything whatsoever to Nazis, and vice-versa. One day, he met the Green Goblin, and Godwin said, "Dost thou know who else likethed green? Hitler! FOR HE WAS A VEGETARIAN!" Then he cut off the Green Goblin's head.

The absolute most famous knight was Sir Limpsalot, who won all the jousts and melées even though he had a bum leg. He had an affair with Gotnoears for years but Owther never actually noticed.

Limpsalot also had an affair with a girl named Eelaine, who was half-eel and known as the Lady of Shallots. He mistook her for Gotnoears, probably because eels also do not have ears. Eelaine had Limpsalot's son and called him Gillahead, because he was part eel (but he was only one-quarter eel so he looked entirely human).

When Gillahead was grown up, he joined the Knights of the Brown Table. King Owther sent them on a quest to find the Sangria (also known as the Holy Ale). Most of the knights searched far and wide, but Sir Gillahead knew it was sold at the corner store, so he took Sir Boring and Sir Calipers with him and they found the Sangria.

Owther had an affair with his half-sister Moregauze, maybe because he didn't know she was related to him or maybe because he was into that.

They had a abomination mermaid ninja son named Mordred. They called him Morty, because Mordred is a terrible name. He was a twerp. Owther tried to teach him how to be King, but Morty would always screw it up and Owther would say, "Morty, you'll be the death of me!"

THE END

P.S. All of these people lived in or visited Camelot at some point or another. Camelot, fortunately or unfortunately, had nothing to do with camels.

P.P.S. Also, Oother and Owther had a wizard that helped them accomplish a lot. His name was Berlin. After the arrival of Sir Godwin, you can probably guess what happened to him.

I'm getting terrible at this.

I have a crazy-ass schedule and it's not getting better. I work from 8am-4pm every Monday-Thursday, then I'm in class until either 6:15 or 7:45, depending on the day. Then on Tuesdays, I have an hour speaking session with a Chinese tutor. Plus I have to take Chinese quizzes at some point. Ugh. Crazy semester is crazy.

That said, I DO plan a big update this weekend. It will even have (terribly-drawn) pictures. It is entitled...

(DRUMROLL PLOX)

"King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table"

Stay tuned!

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Some subjects are the topic of epics. Like ripping off a monster's arm and then beating up his mum when she comes to complain, like Beowulf. Or going to find some horn or something and getting beaten up by a Sea Witch, like the Finnish Kalevala. These days, the vernacular mythology, at least in the West, seems to revolve around Internet memes. Somebody set us up the bomb. Over 9000?! Basement Cat. All of those.

And then there's Pirates vs. Ninjas. I'm sure the subject has been done to death, but I always like to give a dead horse a good kicking, so here is my epic poem about.......drumroll please................Pirates. Vs. Ninjas.

Sorry about the lack of updating.

My life got pretty exciting and fun over the past few weeks, what with my best friend coming for a visit from NC and staying with me for a week which coincided with a two-week stay by my boyfriend, and then this week I started classes, and I'm still working full-time, so I've got a 40 hour work-week, then three night classes, then two online classes...

Plus, the boyfriend is moving here next month, which is nice. He'll have his own place but I'm sure we'll just migrate between houses and pretend to be married except for the filing joint tax returns and having babies part. That stuff can wait.

I do promise that I will be updating my blog, because I tend to get MORE creative as my schedule gets more hectic. Plus, I owe my friend Stacey the Harry Potter/Sting & the Police parody she asked for. SO there will be a post sometime this weekend, yes indeed.

Pretty Fly for a Uruk-Hai.

Probably many of you have heard of the band Offspring at some point. As far as I'm concerned, they're a punk band who went pop. I refuse to call bands "sellouts" just because they want to make more money. Anyway, back in 1998 they had a hit song with "Pretty Fly for a White Guy." The video is somewhat amusing, and you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzY2Qcu5i2A.

Of course, many nerd parodies abound. "Pretty Fly for a Jedi." "Pretty Fly for a Draenei." It's not bad stuff, either. But I figured I would take this parody back to the grand-daddy of most fantasy fiction: J. R. R. Tolkien.

Obviously, this song hasn't been recorded yet, but I'm seriously hoping it will be soon...and I would love to make a Youtube video for it. Unfortunately I know nothing about film except that it uses a camera, so if you know a guy who knows a guy...

And here are the lyrics, complete with utter silliness and Sindarin (because nothing says "gigantic dork" like using Elvish):