What's new in the New Year.

Owther is almost finished. I'll put the audio up when it's done. Youtube video will soon follow.

I thought I would post more while I was out of school, but that didn't happen. Seems the more free time I have, the less creative I am. I'm going to have work 34 jobs at a time just to ever finish a novel.

Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have some new music; I received a melodica for Christmas and should be getting a keyboard soon. No promises.

King Owther update.

J.C. did his recording work. We had a great time in "the studio"--he's one hilarious guy. I also bribed him with sake, which seemed to do the trick. Now Remy Music-Master is taking the vocals and putting it over his original music and re-mixing it for just the right sound.

And then, kids, Disclaimer Man, he of the awesome programming and making-things-happen skillz, is going to set it up in Youtube video-form! My lovely (ha!) drawings and words, as narrated by a drunk faux-Scotsman with a cockleburr's voice, all over some amazing ambient music! It's going to be amazing! Or at least mildly entertaining.

Coming up soon: Audio-story & Youtube video. Also may have an audiobook reading of "Beeowolf" recorded in December. Hopefully I'll be able to tell you about my successes in getting my e-book together in a couple of months' time as well.

This will be the introduction to my book.

Once this semester is over, I plan on getting work together to make an E-Book of twisted fairy tales, as I have several written or mostly-written. They range from the comical to the horrific, as you've seen if you read my blog at all. There are a few I've not posted here, nor do I intend to. I don't plan on making the e-book very expensive, just for the record. This is the poem I will use for my introduction:

"Once upon a time," said she,
Putting a hand beneath my chin.
She smiled a dreadful smile at me.

"Man wrote himself a history
A place to keep the monsters in
Once upon a time," said she.

She hissed, "All things strive to become free
What's put down will rise again."
Then smiled a dreadful smile at me.

"One day they will find the key
And come against the world of men,
Once upon a time," said she.

"There will be poisoned apples on every tree
And all the witches and wolves will win."
She smiled a dreadful smile at me.

"Man should learn to think more wickedly
Or all his stories will begin
With once upon a time," said she,
Then smiled a dreadful smile at me.

P.S. I will want a few people (probably no more than 3-4) to proof and edit the book before publication. Just putting that out there.

The Epic Tale of Beeowolf--Part I.

Once upon a time, there was a great hero named Beeowolf. He was half-wolf (front) and half-bee (back).

He enjoyed candlelit dinners, puppies, and long walks on the beach while dismembering his enemies. He was the hero of the Goats.

Beeowolf heard that King Coughdrop of the Danas (in Denmark) was having some trouble, i.e. that someone kept making his warriors into jigsaw puzzles. Beeowolf said, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark," and went to help.

When Beeowolf finally got to the court of the Danas, King Coughdrop took a liking to him right away. The king introduced his queen, whose name was Hrwhghrgheanlthwsowdfdth. (She was from someplace where they do horrible things to the alphabet, like Russia or Mississippi.)

Then King Coughdrop said, "Beeowolf, I have heard you are hungry like the wolf and sting like a bee. Please help us." But then, Lord Obvious Foil (real name: Uncle or Unfair or Grima Wormtongue or something) popped up and started to cast doubts on Beeowolf's heroism, lineage, and fashion sense.

Obvious Foil is obvious. Then Beeowolf said, "I heard you killed your brothers and didn't even pay yourself afterward." That was a big put-down because in those days, if you killed someone, you had to pay a fine. It's like being a Kennedy.

Beeowolf agreed to stay in the drinking hall that night in order to either defeat the murderer or at least shake him down for some serious weregild. He didn't have long to wait. Before long, a huge, monstrous figure sneaked in. Beeowolf attacked.

"I wish to register a noise complaint!" the monster squealed as he clawed at Beeowolf. "I have the forms right here!"

"Who says we're noisy?" Beeowolf snarled.

"Me! And my mother!" shouted the monster. Beeowolf just laughed, and then ripped off the monster's arm. The monster fled.

Beeowolf was considered a hero and the Danas thought they were safe, but the next night someone came and tore apart some more warriors in the drinking-hall. They knew it wasn't the original monster because it's hard to tear things one-handed (which led to the little-known Zen koan "What is the sound of one hand ripping?"). Beeowolf was eager to punish this new murderer, and so he tracked it back to a lake. Because he was so superhuman that he didn't need piddly things like oxygen, he dove into the lake and went straight to the bottom, where he saw the dead body of the first monster. Standing over the dead body was a monster-lady, and he knew it must be the mother.

The monster-lady said, "You killed my snuggly-wuggly Grendel-schnookums. You killed my son."

Beeowolf said, "He was an asshole who didn't even pay to kill people. This isn't Grand Theft Denmark."

Then they fought, and Beeowolf cut off her head, and then cut off Grendel's head because he had a decapitation fetish, and then he went back to King Coughdrop's court and they threw him a party and got him lots of presents.

THE END.

New stuff coming up soon, maybe even next weekend.

I'm working on a version of Snow White that's about half-done (though it still needs pictures) AND I have on the drawing board a re-telling of the legend of Robin of Sherwood Forest (so far entitled Robbin' HOOD).

It occurs to me that I may have misnamed my blog. But it was such a nice name, and I was doing more music last year.

Also, sometime before Halloween there should be an "audio book" version of King Owther, as read by my dear friend J.C. Smith-Hamner, who I desperately want to call "Jesus Christ Hammersmith." Maybe he'll let me. Also, Remy the Collaborator will be writing the backing music for it. It will be full of awesome and win and I may even have to make a video for Youtube, if I ever figure out how to do that.

King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table. (Contains pictures.)

Once upon a time, there was a king named Oother Paindragon. He was not a nice king, but nice kings don't tend to stay kings long. By way of magical convolutions and dastardly plots, he had the Duke of Cornhole killed and seduced the Duchess of Cornhole, whose name was Migraine.

Migraine gave birth to a son, Owther, but he had to be taken away and hidden because something about all this was shameful or something. He was raised by a man named Sir Icktor. Owther thought Icktor was his father for a long time, until Owther pulled a dwarf from a prawn and became eng of all Kingland.

King Owther married a princess named Gotnoears, who had lost her aural organs in a freak gardening accident. She was one of the most beautiful women in the land, despite being deaf as a post.

After Owther got married, he decided he'd rather spend more time with men instead, so he formed an order called Knights of the Brown Table. They sat at a...brown...table. They also went on many adventures.

One of the most famous knights was Sir Godwin, famed for his ability to link anything whatsoever to Nazis, and vice-versa. One day, he met the Green Goblin, and Godwin said, "Dost thou know who else likethed green? Hitler! FOR HE WAS A VEGETARIAN!" Then he cut off the Green Goblin's head.

The absolute most famous knight was Sir Limpsalot, who won all the jousts and melées even though he had a bum leg. He had an affair with Gotnoears for years but Owther never actually noticed.

Limpsalot also had an affair with a girl named Eelaine, who was half-eel and known as the Lady of Shallots. He mistook her for Gotnoears, probably because eels also do not have ears. Eelaine had Limpsalot's son and called him Gillahead, because he was part eel (but he was only one-quarter eel so he looked entirely human).

When Gillahead was grown up, he joined the Knights of the Brown Table. King Owther sent them on a quest to find the Sangria (also known as the Holy Ale). Most of the knights searched far and wide, but Sir Gillahead knew it was sold at the corner store, so he took Sir Boring and Sir Calipers with him and they found the Sangria.

Owther had an affair with his half-sister Moregauze, maybe because he didn't know she was related to him or maybe because he was into that.

They had a abomination mermaid ninja son named Mordred. They called him Morty, because Mordred is a terrible name. He was a twerp. Owther tried to teach him how to be King, but Morty would always screw it up and Owther would say, "Morty, you'll be the death of me!"

THE END

P.S. All of these people lived in or visited Camelot at some point or another. Camelot, fortunately or unfortunately, had nothing to do with camels.

P.P.S. Also, Oother and Owther had a wizard that helped them accomplish a lot. His name was Berlin. After the arrival of Sir Godwin, you can probably guess what happened to him.

I'm getting terrible at this.

I have a crazy-ass schedule and it's not getting better. I work from 8am-4pm every Monday-Thursday, then I'm in class until either 6:15 or 7:45, depending on the day. Then on Tuesdays, I have an hour speaking session with a Chinese tutor. Plus I have to take Chinese quizzes at some point. Ugh. Crazy semester is crazy.

That said, I DO plan a big update this weekend. It will even have (terribly-drawn) pictures. It is entitled...

(DRUMROLL PLOX)

"King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table"

Stay tuned!