Achievement: Youtube is unlocked!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cgwr51YxhIw

King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table video.  FINALLY.  Sorry for the long wait.

Fear.

Tomorrow we have a pretty severe weather alert for possible tornadic activity. My sister and I were part of the April 27, 2011 tornado-spree. Our house got hit. It stayed standing, but it needed a lot of repairs afterward. But we were luckily and emerged only minorly injured, and the house was fixable. A lot of other folks lost everything.

So we come to it tomorrow, and I'm scared beyond belief. I try not to think about that day, the screaming and crying we did, the sound of the tornado hitting us (it really does sound like a freight train), the panicked cries of my cat, the thumps of debris hitting our house and our cars...

I just hope that I'm still around Saturday. It is probably irrational fear; tornadoes don't often hit the same house twice due to random pathing. But it could happen.


i hear that rumbling death-train coming 'round
and i pray that my body won't be found

New stuff upcoming.

Sometime within the next week, hopefully over the weekend, I will be posting my next Katrushka Tells You the Classics (3rd Installent). This one will be called Robbin' Hood and His Band of Married Men."

You know what I did?

I signed up to volunteer with a free tax-prep group that helps low-income families who qualify for the EIC (Earned Income Credit) get their money, and not only get their money, but get this--INVEST it.

Considering my dual majors (Finance and Economics), this was a sound move, resume-wise. Also, karma-wise.

But with 40 hours of work week and 16 hours of school-week (plus homework, exercising, and attempting to have a normal life) that means I'm going to be flat-out til early March.

But I'll be trying to post some of the backlog of work. I heard some of the Owther samples over the New Year's break, and they were pretty awesome. I'm excited for when they will be finished.

What's new in the New Year.

Owther is almost finished. I'll put the audio up when it's done. Youtube video will soon follow.

I thought I would post more while I was out of school, but that didn't happen. Seems the more free time I have, the less creative I am. I'm going to have work 34 jobs at a time just to ever finish a novel.

Hopefully in a few weeks I'll have some new music; I received a melodica for Christmas and should be getting a keyboard soon. No promises.

King Owther update.

J.C. did his recording work. We had a great time in "the studio"--he's one hilarious guy. I also bribed him with sake, which seemed to do the trick. Now Remy Music-Master is taking the vocals and putting it over his original music and re-mixing it for just the right sound.

And then, kids, Disclaimer Man, he of the awesome programming and making-things-happen skillz, is going to set it up in Youtube video-form! My lovely (ha!) drawings and words, as narrated by a drunk faux-Scotsman with a cockleburr's voice, all over some amazing ambient music! It's going to be amazing! Or at least mildly entertaining.

Coming up soon: Audio-story & Youtube video. Also may have an audiobook reading of "Beeowolf" recorded in December. Hopefully I'll be able to tell you about my successes in getting my e-book together in a couple of months' time as well.

This will be the introduction to my book.

Once this semester is over, I plan on getting work together to make an E-Book of twisted fairy tales, as I have several written or mostly-written. They range from the comical to the horrific, as you've seen if you read my blog at all. There are a few I've not posted here, nor do I intend to. I don't plan on making the e-book very expensive, just for the record. This is the poem I will use for my introduction:

"Once upon a time," said she,
Putting a hand beneath my chin.
She smiled a dreadful smile at me.

"Man wrote himself a history
A place to keep the monsters in
Once upon a time," said she.

She hissed, "All things strive to become free
What's put down will rise again."
Then smiled a dreadful smile at me.

"One day they will find the key
And come against the world of men,
Once upon a time," said she.

"There will be poisoned apples on every tree
And all the witches and wolves will win."
She smiled a dreadful smile at me.

"Man should learn to think more wickedly
Or all his stories will begin
With once upon a time," said she,
Then smiled a dreadful smile at me.

P.S. I will want a few people (probably no more than 3-4) to proof and edit the book before publication. Just putting that out there.

The Epic Tale of Beeowolf--Part I.

Once upon a time, there was a great hero named Beeowolf. He was half-wolf (front) and half-bee (back).

He enjoyed candlelit dinners, puppies, and long walks on the beach while dismembering his enemies. He was the hero of the Goats.

Beeowolf heard that King Coughdrop of the Danas (in Denmark) was having some trouble, i.e. that someone kept making his warriors into jigsaw puzzles. Beeowolf said, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark," and went to help.

When Beeowolf finally got to the court of the Danas, King Coughdrop took a liking to him right away. The king introduced his queen, whose name was Hrwhghrgheanlthwsowdfdth. (She was from someplace where they do horrible things to the alphabet, like Russia or Mississippi.)

Then King Coughdrop said, "Beeowolf, I have heard you are hungry like the wolf and sting like a bee. Please help us." But then, Lord Obvious Foil (real name: Uncle or Unfair or Grima Wormtongue or something) popped up and started to cast doubts on Beeowolf's heroism, lineage, and fashion sense.

Obvious Foil is obvious. Then Beeowolf said, "I heard you killed your brothers and didn't even pay yourself afterward." That was a big put-down because in those days, if you killed someone, you had to pay a fine. It's like being a Kennedy.

Beeowolf agreed to stay in the drinking hall that night in order to either defeat the murderer or at least shake him down for some serious weregild. He didn't have long to wait. Before long, a huge, monstrous figure sneaked in. Beeowolf attacked.

"I wish to register a noise complaint!" the monster squealed as he clawed at Beeowolf. "I have the forms right here!"

"Who says we're noisy?" Beeowolf snarled.

"Me! And my mother!" shouted the monster. Beeowolf just laughed, and then ripped off the monster's arm. The monster fled.

Beeowolf was considered a hero and the Danas thought they were safe, but the next night someone came and tore apart some more warriors in the drinking-hall. They knew it wasn't the original monster because it's hard to tear things one-handed (which led to the little-known Zen koan "What is the sound of one hand ripping?"). Beeowolf was eager to punish this new murderer, and so he tracked it back to a lake. Because he was so superhuman that he didn't need piddly things like oxygen, he dove into the lake and went straight to the bottom, where he saw the dead body of the first monster. Standing over the dead body was a monster-lady, and he knew it must be the mother.

The monster-lady said, "You killed my snuggly-wuggly Grendel-schnookums. You killed my son."

Beeowolf said, "He was an asshole who didn't even pay to kill people. This isn't Grand Theft Denmark."

Then they fought, and Beeowolf cut off her head, and then cut off Grendel's head because he had a decapitation fetish, and then he went back to King Coughdrop's court and they threw him a party and got him lots of presents.

THE END.

New stuff coming up soon, maybe even next weekend.

I'm working on a version of Snow White that's about half-done (though it still needs pictures) AND I have on the drawing board a re-telling of the legend of Robin of Sherwood Forest (so far entitled Robbin' HOOD).

It occurs to me that I may have misnamed my blog. But it was such a nice name, and I was doing more music last year.

Also, sometime before Halloween there should be an "audio book" version of King Owther, as read by my dear friend J.C. Smith-Hamner, who I desperately want to call "Jesus Christ Hammersmith." Maybe he'll let me. Also, Remy the Collaborator will be writing the backing music for it. It will be full of awesome and win and I may even have to make a video for Youtube, if I ever figure out how to do that.

King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table. (Contains pictures.)

Once upon a time, there was a king named Oother Paindragon. He was not a nice king, but nice kings don't tend to stay kings long. By way of magical convolutions and dastardly plots, he had the Duke of Cornhole killed and seduced the Duchess of Cornhole, whose name was Migraine.

Migraine gave birth to a son, Owther, but he had to be taken away and hidden because something about all this was shameful or something. He was raised by a man named Sir Icktor. Owther thought Icktor was his father for a long time, until Owther pulled a dwarf from a prawn and became eng of all Kingland.

King Owther married a princess named Gotnoears, who had lost her aural organs in a freak gardening accident. She was one of the most beautiful women in the land, despite being deaf as a post.

After Owther got married, he decided he'd rather spend more time with men instead, so he formed an order called Knights of the Brown Table. They sat at a...brown...table. They also went on many adventures.

One of the most famous knights was Sir Godwin, famed for his ability to link anything whatsoever to Nazis, and vice-versa. One day, he met the Green Goblin, and Godwin said, "Dost thou know who else likethed green? Hitler! FOR HE WAS A VEGETARIAN!" Then he cut off the Green Goblin's head.

The absolute most famous knight was Sir Limpsalot, who won all the jousts and melées even though he had a bum leg. He had an affair with Gotnoears for years but Owther never actually noticed.

Limpsalot also had an affair with a girl named Eelaine, who was half-eel and known as the Lady of Shallots. He mistook her for Gotnoears, probably because eels also do not have ears. Eelaine had Limpsalot's son and called him Gillahead, because he was part eel (but he was only one-quarter eel so he looked entirely human).

When Gillahead was grown up, he joined the Knights of the Brown Table. King Owther sent them on a quest to find the Sangria (also known as the Holy Ale). Most of the knights searched far and wide, but Sir Gillahead knew it was sold at the corner store, so he took Sir Boring and Sir Calipers with him and they found the Sangria.

Owther had an affair with his half-sister Moregauze, maybe because he didn't know she was related to him or maybe because he was into that.

They had a abomination mermaid ninja son named Mordred. They called him Morty, because Mordred is a terrible name. He was a twerp. Owther tried to teach him how to be King, but Morty would always screw it up and Owther would say, "Morty, you'll be the death of me!"

THE END

P.S. All of these people lived in or visited Camelot at some point or another. Camelot, fortunately or unfortunately, had nothing to do with camels.

P.P.S. Also, Oother and Owther had a wizard that helped them accomplish a lot. His name was Berlin. After the arrival of Sir Godwin, you can probably guess what happened to him.

I'm getting terrible at this.

I have a crazy-ass schedule and it's not getting better. I work from 8am-4pm every Monday-Thursday, then I'm in class until either 6:15 or 7:45, depending on the day. Then on Tuesdays, I have an hour speaking session with a Chinese tutor. Plus I have to take Chinese quizzes at some point. Ugh. Crazy semester is crazy.

That said, I DO plan a big update this weekend. It will even have (terribly-drawn) pictures. It is entitled...

(DRUMROLL PLOX)

"King Owther and the Knights of the Brown Table"

Stay tuned!

Pirates vs. Ninjas

Some subjects are the topic of epics. Like ripping off a monster's arm and then beating up his mum when she comes to complain, like Beowulf. Or going to find some horn or something and getting beaten up by a Sea Witch, like the Finnish Kalevala. These days, the vernacular mythology, at least in the West, seems to revolve around Internet memes. Somebody set us up the bomb. Over 9000?! Basement Cat. All of those.

And then there's Pirates vs. Ninjas. I'm sure the subject has been done to death, but I always like to give a dead horse a good kicking, so here is my epic poem about.......drumroll please................Pirates. Vs. Ninjas.

Sorry about the lack of updating.

My life got pretty exciting and fun over the past few weeks, what with my best friend coming for a visit from NC and staying with me for a week which coincided with a two-week stay by my boyfriend, and then this week I started classes, and I'm still working full-time, so I've got a 40 hour work-week, then three night classes, then two online classes...

Plus, the boyfriend is moving here next month, which is nice. He'll have his own place but I'm sure we'll just migrate between houses and pretend to be married except for the filing joint tax returns and having babies part. That stuff can wait.

I do promise that I will be updating my blog, because I tend to get MORE creative as my schedule gets more hectic. Plus, I owe my friend Stacey the Harry Potter/Sting & the Police parody she asked for. SO there will be a post sometime this weekend, yes indeed.

Pretty Fly for a Uruk-Hai.

Probably many of you have heard of the band Offspring at some point. As far as I'm concerned, they're a punk band who went pop. I refuse to call bands "sellouts" just because they want to make more money. Anyway, back in 1998 they had a hit song with "Pretty Fly for a White Guy." The video is somewhat amusing, and you can find it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzY2Qcu5i2A.

Of course, many nerd parodies abound. "Pretty Fly for a Jedi." "Pretty Fly for a Draenei." It's not bad stuff, either. But I figured I would take this parody back to the grand-daddy of most fantasy fiction: J. R. R. Tolkien.

Obviously, this song hasn't been recorded yet, but I'm seriously hoping it will be soon...and I would love to make a Youtube video for it. Unfortunately I know nothing about film except that it uses a camera, so if you know a guy who knows a guy...

And here are the lyrics, complete with utter silliness and Sindarin (because nothing says "gigantic dork" like using Elvish):

I have rickets!

Okay, not really rickets. Rickets is a childhood disease. I just have a fairly severe deficiency in vitamin D.

Before you start making fun, I do actually get some sunlight, and I do eat a healthy variety of foods, especially dairy and vegetables, and meats. So I shouldn't be deficient at all in vitamin D whatsoever. And yet...

Of course, this time it's coinciding with some severe GI issues. I have chronic problems with my GI tract, and at the very least I have recently discovered that I have neither stomach cancer nor bacterial ulcers. So now I only have approximately 5,290 more diseases they have to test for before I know what is wrong with me and how to fix it. More than likely the deficiency is due to malabsorption of food. Fun stuff.

I should be putting something creative up here soon. I've just been either crashing out early (lack of vitamin D means a huge lack of energy, and that's been hitting me hard) or working on other creative ventures (food or fanfiction) that I don't often talk about here.

But soon again. I swear.

New song--I've Got A Thing (For Parentheses)

I am thinking this will be in an early rock-and-roll style. The Collaborator recently bought a ukulele though, so it might be rock-and-roll ukulele. Who knows. Here it is:

I've got a thing (for parentheses)
Just the right brackets (put me on my knees)
They're good for asides (and soliloquies)
I've got a thing (for parentheses).

Some people have a footnotes fetish
But that's not really me
They like it in the asterisk
Or with a superscripted three.

Some people do it with a period
Some prematurely punctuate
Some people like to subject and object their predicate.

But
I've got a thing (for parentheses)
etc

Just the sight of those loving arms
Gets me all aroused
I tingle reading Vonnegut
And I devour Proust.

I checked out a book of poetry
With a very modern air
When I came to e e cummings, I came everywhere.

Because
I've got a thing for parentheses
etc

You can keep your semicolons and dashes
Your carats, tildes, back-and-forward slashes
When it comes to insertion
Of pointless diversion
I've got a thing
Oh I've got a thing
Got a huge huge thing
(For parentheses).

Should be recorded next month...I'm already excited.

There won't be a lot of novel updates anymore.

While I had a spike in late May/early June, the blog visits have fallen off again. And I really don't get a lot of comments. All blogs are vanity projects, but this one seems kind of meaningless. I would rather have dialogue than endless monologue.

I'm also a little hesitant about putting a whole novel up, too. It seems like a bad idea, but I can't articulate why. So, I suppose if any of you would like to do a read-through critique of the novel when it's finished, I would love to have a lot of good feedback. But other than that, I won't be putting any more of it up here.

There may be occasional updates to link some music or put down some poetry or short prose, just so I can keep up with it. But I'm not really seeing the need to keep a blog that focuses almost entirely on my novel when honestly, it's not very interesting.

Thanks for everyone who has been a reader in the past. I really appreciate your patronage. Excelsior!

One reason why writing a novel is harder than you think.

It's really a very simple concept. Research.

I am writing a semi-comic (and dramatic) fantasy novel, which you would think would not require a lot of research. WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG.

Sure, courtroom fiction needs research, and medical-suspense-thriller-fiction needs research, but comic fantasy needs a megaton of research too, mostly because comic fantasy tends to parody the heck out of popular culture, history, other fantasy and sci-fi, gawd, you name it and some comic fantasy writer has probably used it in his books. Especially if his name is Terry Pratchett. And I am going a lot lighter on the parody than he does, so Og only knows how much time he spends researching for his Discworld series.

I've just spent 30 minutes checking the names I am giving different countries within this book to make sure that the allusions make sense. Tomorrow or Sunday I plan to devote a few hours to research about various mythical species (dragons, phoenixes, elves, sprites, domovoi, witches, huldrafolk, you get the idea).

I have to say that this is the most exhilarating experience I've had writing. I have about 6-7k words at the moment. I just need to repeat that 15 more times, then edit the crap out of it. And get other people to read it. Then edit it some more...and then maybe, just maybe, it will be good enough for a publishing house to at least consider.

However, next month I'll be polishing up a couple of short stories and shopping them around, mostly because I want to already have a little work out there when I'm trying to find someone who will take my novel. I do have some poetry published already, but I need to get my name out in the prose world.

There will be an update to the novel sometime this weekend, I think. Have a good one, all three of you!

Grrr, Comcast.

So, this makes the third time in the past week that the internet has been out at my house. Monday, Wednesday, and now ever since Friday afternoon. Needless to say, I'm pretty unhappy with Comcast and I am already looking around for another solution.

I am currently visiting my parents for Father's Day. I will make a small, holiday-related post tomorrow. I am not sure when I will update my story, but I'm hoping by Tuesday. I suppose now is the time to announce it: it's becoming a novel. I have about 5k words typed so far, and about another 3-4k words to get typed up. I'm aiming for an 80k-90k word count, as that seems about standard for comic fantasy. So...if you're reading and you feel like critiquing it, please let me know. I need to know what makes sense and what doesn't. I need to know what's funny and what isn't. I need to get rid of awkward turns of phrase and horrible grammar.

BUT HOORAY! I AM FINALLY WRITING A NOVEL!

Maggie and the Dragon, Part III

I keep my promises. Part IV is already written and coming soon. I have the beginnings of Part V and some of a later installment, as well.