The Epic Tale of Beeowolf--Part I.

Once upon a time, there was a great hero named Beeowolf. He was half-wolf (front) and half-bee (back).

He enjoyed candlelit dinners, puppies, and long walks on the beach while dismembering his enemies. He was the hero of the Goats.

Beeowolf heard that King Coughdrop of the Danas (in Denmark) was having some trouble, i.e. that someone kept making his warriors into jigsaw puzzles. Beeowolf said, "Something is rotten in the state of Denmark," and went to help.

When Beeowolf finally got to the court of the Danas, King Coughdrop took a liking to him right away. The king introduced his queen, whose name was Hrwhghrgheanlthwsowdfdth. (She was from someplace where they do horrible things to the alphabet, like Russia or Mississippi.)

Then King Coughdrop said, "Beeowolf, I have heard you are hungry like the wolf and sting like a bee. Please help us." But then, Lord Obvious Foil (real name: Uncle or Unfair or Grima Wormtongue or something) popped up and started to cast doubts on Beeowolf's heroism, lineage, and fashion sense.

Obvious Foil is obvious. Then Beeowolf said, "I heard you killed your brothers and didn't even pay yourself afterward." That was a big put-down because in those days, if you killed someone, you had to pay a fine. It's like being a Kennedy.

Beeowolf agreed to stay in the drinking hall that night in order to either defeat the murderer or at least shake him down for some serious weregild. He didn't have long to wait. Before long, a huge, monstrous figure sneaked in. Beeowolf attacked.

"I wish to register a noise complaint!" the monster squealed as he clawed at Beeowolf. "I have the forms right here!"

"Who says we're noisy?" Beeowolf snarled.

"Me! And my mother!" shouted the monster. Beeowolf just laughed, and then ripped off the monster's arm. The monster fled.

Beeowolf was considered a hero and the Danas thought they were safe, but the next night someone came and tore apart some more warriors in the drinking-hall. They knew it wasn't the original monster because it's hard to tear things one-handed (which led to the little-known Zen koan "What is the sound of one hand ripping?"). Beeowolf was eager to punish this new murderer, and so he tracked it back to a lake. Because he was so superhuman that he didn't need piddly things like oxygen, he dove into the lake and went straight to the bottom, where he saw the dead body of the first monster. Standing over the dead body was a monster-lady, and he knew it must be the mother.

The monster-lady said, "You killed my snuggly-wuggly Grendel-schnookums. You killed my son."

Beeowolf said, "He was an asshole who didn't even pay to kill people. This isn't Grand Theft Denmark."

Then they fought, and Beeowolf cut off her head, and then cut off Grendel's head because he had a decapitation fetish, and then he went back to King Coughdrop's court and they threw him a party and got him lots of presents.

THE END.